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December 30, 2003 #
 2,003 Emotions of "Democracy, Whisky, Sexy" While I desperately wanted to compose a year-end wrap-up for 2003, Krucoff wouldn't hear of it. I berated him for days, mocked his lisp and peg leg, and crank called his family in Maryland threatening to repossess his parents' grandchildren if he didn't cave in to my demands. Fortunately for him and the wee ones, his mom has a mouth like a Syrian sailor and she sent me packing with my forked tail between my legs. Had my plan of long-distance coercion and telephonic intimidation blossomed into anything short of a lawsuit, my best-of list would have included the launch party for Fleshbot, where I was fortunate enough to watch moustache-less, slutty lesbians kissing. My worst-of list would have included the Fleshbot site itself, which is trying to legitimize porn five years after "E! Wild On" already succeeded in doing so. I also would have mentioned how this year was wonderful for the lowering of pant waists and, subsequently, the raising of my trouser junk; and the continual shrinking of the female embarrassment threshold and the expanding number of girls who will never be allowed to run for public office. The fight-of-the-year award would go to rebel in red Jack White, and the fright-of-the-year to retard in retro Boy George. Best album: Angel Dust by Faith No More (it's new to me) and worst album: Liz Phair's suck-on-wax for failing to include topless photos. Best movie: "Spellbound" for showing kids that competition should begin early in life and take place on a world stage, and worst movie: the other Paris Hilton flick for failing to appear. Moving right along and side-stepping the dog-poop... Best blog: Two-way tie. 1. LasagnaFarm.com on any day I'm not editing this shit-fest (surprise! damn, I can't even say that with a straight typeface) and 2. Dr Frank, political rantist and love song lyricist, because like he says, "Yesterday Rules." Worst blog: Three-way tie. 1. Lockhart Steele because I will never be able to get over his whole Phish/Dave Matthews thing. Sorry dude, the thought of you "noodling" in a grassy field truly frightens me. (surprise? damn, I can't even say that with a face all spongy after a gravity bonghit) 2. and 3. Gawker/The Kicker - primarily for being Adam and Eve to a legion of lost self-love children who lick more ass than magazine interns (yeah, I'm talking about you Krucoff) leaving the rest of us soaked in the chunky afterbirth and its gassy, warm placental champagne. Also for writing posts that read like notes school kids pass each other when the teacher is daydreaming about infanticide. And lastly, for being the online version of NY1's Roma Torre reading major newspaper headlines on-air, Gothamist would get the Mountain Goats "Going to Queens" Acoustic Anthem Award. This is no slight, I'm lazy so I dig the service. I fully admit my own effort at providing online amusement would be better spent reading to the blind or farting next to the deaf -- really the same thing anyway. Well that's about it, gang-bangers. 2003 was the retread on my uncle's '81 F150. God willing and able, '04 will be shod well enough to lay some real fuckin' patches. Guest Editor Chris Gage has officially reached a new low. Krucoff.com's "The Other Page" powered by Removable Hype. The information contained in this web site is subject to change without objection. Copyright © 2003 La Otra Página, Inc. All nights observed. |
